“Round and Round We Go”
There are things in life that just seem to happen over and over, even when we don’t want to repeat them. This is especially true in romantic relationships. It’s like we keep having the same kind of fight, with the same kind of pain, over and over again.
The awareness that we seem to be going round and round in a circle fighting with someone we love, can be the clue that leads us to freedom from the pattern of fighting and bickering, of hurting and being hurtful to each other.
If we are trapped in a pattern, and we can feel it, we can’t yet understand it, or it wouldn’t have us trapped. But, if we can sense that it’s a pattern, that’s a beginning – because, if there is a pattern to it, it can be figured out because anything in a pattern can be broken.
The only real way to get free of a pattern we don’t know we’re trapped in, is to become very watchful… slow down a little bit… and keep a sharp eye.
We have to find the bars of the cage first, and then we’ll know it’s shape. Once we know the shape of the cage, then we can study it real close. Then, we could figure out where it’s held together… and then how it’s held together… and then… we have a real chance to break out of it.
Wouldn’t it be easier to break out of a cage that we don’t even know the shape of… if someone who’s already broken out… would come back and give us some clues, wouldn’t it?
Even then, with someone telling us every single little detail about the patterns that have us trapped… it would still have to be really, really difficult.
Do you know why?
Because, both of us… both of us… have to be contributing to holding the pattern together and keeping the rhythm going.
It takes two… to tango.
For some of us that’s going to be very hard to admit… considering how many times we’ve said… that it’s all the other’s fault!
I can’t give you personal self-honesty. I can’t give you courage. I can’t give you the strength and endurance and will power you’ll need… to take a good, hard, look at yourself… and stop blaming the Other for everything.
I can’t give you the darn keys!
But, I can give you some clues…. everything you’ll need… except for the items on the list above.
Well, maybe one thing… a special clue… that might give you a lot of courage. It’s a real brain-twister though, once you think about it.
What if, and I’m serious now… what if… the only thing… THE ONLY THING… WHAT… IF… THE… ONLY… THING… holding the WHOLE pattern together…
was the only thing that makes any sense… it’s the only thing it could be…
The only possible reason or explanation… for why we could be trapped so tight in an obvious pattern and held in it by something that we can’t see… is because it ‘s something WE CAN’T SEE…
And if it’s something we can’t see, then… to find it, to see it… it has to be… it MUST BE… in the one place we’ve never looked… or the one thing neither of us has ever done.
What if it’s… all your fault?
It has… to be… your fault.
What if the whole pattern would collapse… if just one of you stopped blaming the other and took a good, sharp, honest look at yourself?
What if, upon discovering what you have been contributing… that because of it’s being discovered and seen and admitted to… it stops?
No more Tango.
Because discovering what you are and have been contributing… but were unaware of and denied… is… the way out… and, it’s the ONLY way out.
And that… is The Key.
Now, even with The Key, you still need all the clues below.
Because it really is very hard, even though you have the key… it’s hard for the same reason you’re trapped… because you ARE the key…
And you are really committed to holding onto the idea, the lie, that when you are unhappy…. it’s always someone else’s fault.
Good Luck, because…
It doesn’t matter whether we are wounded deeply by someone, or just a little let down and disappointed. They might have done the most painful thing we could have imagined, or, all they did was not really pay enough attention to us and were preoccupied with other things and so we just felt a little sad.
Big or small, it hurts, and it’s just a difference of degree. We then do all manner of odd things and strange behaviors because of that hurt.
Usually, the first few steps happen in a split second. Often so fast we don’t really even know the true thing that started us up, the first thing that started all the bad energy. We’ll even go to the degree of telling ourselves that we don’t hurt and we don’t care. It’s that important to us sometimes, to maintain the Lie… that, it’s all their fault.
Before we start, Here’s the only real breadcrumb you need:
Whenever we are upset and in that ‘stiff energy’ towards the other… like they are the enemy, and in that moment we really don’t like them… our stance, our anger or wall… is a strategy of denial, so we can hide the truth from our own self and then we don’t have to admit that we threw some stuff out there too… and so that we can avoid having to look at and deal with some of our own icky stuff inside, we project our ickiness we need to be dealing with… ONTO THEM.
Up next is that first part that happens so fast we don’t know it. This is the part where we’ve got to slow down till we can see every step ourself.
Whenever we feel hurt by someone… by their actions, inactions, what they said or didn’t say, how they did say it or didn’t say it… we don’t want to… feel… that feeling of pain and hurt.
We don’t want to be there… IN that feeling.
That is ‘avoidance motivation’ – we don’t want to be there and we try to get away from it… to move away… we want to avoid it… so we reject… that feeling.
Avoidance of… is the same as to protect ourselves from… or to defend ourselves from that feeling… so we are threatened by it… and we want… to stop feeling it and stop feeling threatened.
Those are the first steps that most are unaware of flickering through. Who we are , in a sense of the word… IS a-pulling-away-from-that. Those are the steps you’ve got to slow down, to tear into and learn to stop it right there.
Let the hurt feeling have you. It’s not as bad as you think. Actually, it’s not even real. We’ve never truly felt it because we are… a reflexive pulling away… from that feeling.
You are responsible for your inner reaction. Nothing outside of you can be responsible for your happiness or… lack of it.
If you don’t absorb that hurt, but instead pull away from it… like you have your whole life… the very next step is an act of violence, on the part of both men and women, in that… we wish for and act upon… forcing change upon another, because of what we feel inside.
As if they could be responsible for our happiness. And they are, because you deny that responsibility yourself and instead displace your anger at you… onto them, and here we go…
With the – wanting to stop feeling that… there is a movement towards… and a search begins for… an antidote for, a solution to, or, cure for the problem we are in.
Here there is discovered a tremendous difference of defensive-response-strategy between:
a feminine energy, feeling type, who is grounded in the body with it’s emotions and feelings which are designed to override the mind and, in most cases is a woman…
and a masculine energy, thinking type, who is grounded in the mind which is designed to override emotions and feelings and, in most cases is a man.
With women the feelings are waiting there ready in an instant to override the mind, so that they will care for and nurture their young. The mind will not lie to them and pull them away from the home and child. Emotions are more honest, but, honest fear in battle and combat, is called panic.
Feelings are of the body and the mind can protect us from feelings by lying to us… and we believe the lies. That’s a masculine trait… to be ready for battle. Humans are apex predators because the mind can keep you calm when you should be FEELING panic and going hysterical. With men the mind is waiting, reflexively ready in an instant to override feelings, which are debilitating in regards to battle and combat and moments of great physical stress and fear.
The feminine energy, feeling person, upon feeling hurt, needs time to process the feeling… because they feel it so long and deep and strong. Feeling types have to face and deal with and process the hurt. It doesn’t go away for awhile. It’s there for a reason.
The masculine energy, thinking type, flashes into feeling hurt and pops right out of feeling and back into mind and thoughts… and then… wants her and the situation to be back to normal… right now at this very instant.
He’s already over it… and she has just begun… this whole… process thing.
So when, in both types, there is a movement towards… an antidote for, a solution to, or a cure for the problem we are in… we then desire to, and want to correct or change or fix… it. And the ‘it’ we blame and then try to fix or correct, which is a rejection of them as they are now… is our very Other we had just been telling that we love…?
We blame our inner experience on the… Other.
We claim the cause of what we feel inside us, to be… out there – a situation, a thing, an event or person. Whatever we have to do to convince ourselves is the cause of our problem, we will do… and justify to ourself… that it is their fault… just so we don’t have to feel… and face up to… and deal with our own ickiness.
We displace that ickiness, project it upon the other, then attack that as the other and actually feel hate, because it’s our own ickiness we see – and believe it to be, actually believe it to be… theirs.
Rarely do we find the courage and self-honesty, to finally accept the fact of it’s existence within us and all that it implies… and to just be… with our ickiness, long enough to realize what we need to know.
But when we do, and we get through it, we each find out the same thing… that can be realized by all of us, one by one, if we would but do the work of it.
You are not that ickiness… and none of it was really yours; it’s all the stuff your parents, family, friends, husbands and wives put in there for you. You believed it and came to think that it is real.
So until we can gain the personal power to watch ourselves long enough to see just how this circular pattern goes around and round within us, we will never know the truth of what we carry within and hide from every minute. Instead we will buy the Lie about what is within us, accepting it to be real and icky and displacing our anger and shame on others for what we believe we are inside.
That way nothing is ever our fault, Whenever anyone asks us why we are sad, or angry, frustrated, upset, worried or jealous, it will not be our fault… because we can point our finger to say, “he did it to me and she did it to me and they”.
But for so long as we insist on living this way, we will continue to blame ‘Others’ for causing how we feel inside.
We will commit ourselves to a strategy to deal with, to correct and fix, that believed cause.
Women, when hurt by someone, or threatened by something, enter ‘avoidance motivation’ and pull away from what causes hurt. Women pull away inside, and close up, put up walls, tune out, block out, put up a shell… shut down the mind and… feel. They need time to process their feelings, to get away and be left alone, to isolate.
When a women is pulling away, inside, and closing up, putting up walls, tuning out and blocking out… a man…
He translates that into being rejected… He’s supposed to take care of her, his role, his whole job is to protect, provide and profess his love. And she’s rejecting him, scared of him, sees him as a threat. So as long as she’s isolating and walled up, nothing is fixed yet, things aren’t right and he must go into action.
Men, when hurt, or threatened by something, enter ‘approach motivation’, and move toward what is causing the hurt. Men move towards what they think is hurting them. They attack, come at her verbally and physically and don’t want to stop until she comes back to normal and she can’t process and come back to normal if he keeps coming at her and she tells him and tells him, but he can’t stop.
If he stops he will have to feel the hurt. His attack… IS an unconscious strategy, it IS an unwillingness to admit to… and to feel… to be… that hurt.
If he doesn’t stop, figure himself out, her walls will just get thicker and higher till one day they’re not together anymore.
And if she doesn’t stop putting up walls, closing off and isolating, she could become so unavailable that he’s finally crowded out and leaves to find someone more accessible to start that whole crazy pattern over again, because he brings it with him when he comes. That plus what his new Other brings with her… it’s a sure bet that…round and round they’ll go.
So… we must, each of us, one by one, unravel the pattern of this dilemma within ourselves.
It begins with you watching… you. You are the pattern… you are the dilemma.
Men and women process feelings, thoughts and emotions so differently as to never have any real idea what the other is actually going through, or how they live, think and feel inside.
So differently from one another so as to say that until… you figure out you, you have NO HOPE of figuring out the Other.
Until you figure out you… in relationships you will always be translating everything from the Other that you see, feel and hear into… ‘Do they love me, or do they not?”
For so long as this is the way you live, you will always be undecided, no matter how they act or talk or sound, because you will always be mistranslating the data and sometimes feel slighted, neglected, ignored, unappreciated, unloved. You will always feel these things, but it has nothing to do with the Other. You are most often mistranslating anyway and creating all of that all on your own.
Not because you are being slighted by your other, or neglected, ignored, unappreciated and unloved, but instead because you have slighted you, neglected and ignored yourself, and until you… appreciate and love yourself enough to figure out you… you will always be asking of another to do for you what you cannot even do for yourself… and since you cannot do all of that even for your self, how can you do all of that for your… Other? So they will also always experience feeling slighted, neglected, ignored, unappreciated and unloved from time to time.
How can you translate all their stuff correctly, especially when they are wired so differently, if you couldn’t or wouldn’t ever fully translate all of your very own stuff?
And so… round and round you’ll go.